A bit of personal news...

So, the big news here is that in August, all being well, I’m going to be a dad!

I’ve just shared the happy news on my social media. My wife and I are, of course, deliriously happy. However, our journey to this point, and a number of other factors in our lives, and the lives of many people who we love, have made this a somewhat more emotionally complex situation than it may seem. I’d like to explain what I mean, and why our joy – as wonderful as it is – is tinged with many other conflicting feelings.

My wife, Kirsty, and I tried for a long time to start our family, but we were unable to make it happen. In December 2022, we experienced the heartbreak of an early pregnancy loss, and since then, we hadn’t been able to conceive again. After some time, we spoke to our GP, who referred us to a fertility clinic. I had absolutely no idea before we engaged with this process just how difficult it would be, and how uneven access to IVF treatment is.

We were lucky to be given up to three rounds of IVF through the NHS. We lucked out by being in Liverpool. In fact, more accurately, we lucked out in being in this specific area of Liverpool. A few miles down the road, we’d have been eligible for two rounds of IVF. Access to these vital services is a literal postcode lottery, and it's totally unjust. We know how lucky we were to receive three rounds, and we're so grateful for that, but it is just awful to think of the many, many couples like ourselves who have had the all-consuming need to be parents, just like we had/have, whose hopes have been dashed by a system that doesn’t give everyone equal access to help.

As we entered our third and final round of IVF in December, it was genuinely our last roll of the dice. We managed to get one embryo, and all of our hopes rested on the success of that one tiny little cluster of cells. To our total amazement, on December 13th, we found it that it had worked. Had it not worked, I honestly don't know where we'd have gone next. 

So, as it happened, we needed all three rounds to get a successful result. Had we requested this help when we lived in Oxford, we would have been eligible for only one round of IVF. One round of IVF would not have resulted in a pregnancy for us, and had that been the case, we would have been eligible for no further help through the NHS. This would have meant that we would either have had to privately fund further rounds of IVF (which was and still would be beyond us financially), or we simply would have had to explore other options for becoming parents, most likely not having a child that was biologically ours. Of course, that would have been great, and we would have loved any child that came into our lives, but we have been so desperate for so long to create a little person who was part me and part Kirsty.

IVF can be a brutal process - it's full of emotional highs and lows (usually many more lows than highs), and we know how lucky we were that our experience has ended in such a positive way. As a process, it is often cold, administrative, totally unromantic, frustrating, stressful and exhausting. The odds feel so firmly stacked against you, because they kind of are. As a man in the process, my experience was absolutely nothing compared to what my wife went through – constant appointments, scans, operations, injections, medications that alter all of your chemistry and put your body through so much. Going through all of that, and still knowing that at the end of it all, you may not even get the desired outcome.

Like pretty much everyone, I know a few people are either going through IVF at the moment or have been through it in the past, and I want to send my love to them. If it didn’t work out for you in the past, I am so deeply sorry. And for those going through it now, while I am, of course, overjoyed that the process somehow worked for us, I feel conflicted about expressing pure, unabashed joy. Because I guess the truth is, I don’t feel pure joy. I can’t help thinking of others engaging with the process, and worrying that our joy might feel that sad that it hasn’t happened for them yet.

There will be someone who sees the picture of our scan and experiences the totally understandable, deeply upsetting sinking feeling that comes when you want a baby and for whatever reason, it hasn't yet happened for you. For a long time, this was me, and I totally get it. I really don't mean to sound patronising or anything, and I'm sorry if it comes across that way. For so long, I've wanted to be a dad. It was all I wanted. And for years, while I was absolutely delighted for all my friends and family who had their amazing kids (who we love SO much), I couldn't help feeling so sad that it didn't seem like it was going to happen for us. And I felt cruel; I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t just feel happy about what should have been uncomplicatedly joyful news. But when you want a child of your own, and it's not happening, your feelings aren't necessarily that straightforward.

So, I just want to send my love to anyone in this position. I really, genuinely hope you get your wish sooner rather than later. I hope that anyone going through the IVF now perhaps sees our positive result, and feels a little more hopeful by seeing real-life proof that it can work out. 

Shifting gears a bit here, there’s one other thing that has been on my mind while I process our lovely news.

Tragically, this year has seen the deaths by suicide of two people I knew. Many people I care about have recently deeply affected by these tragedies. It's so truly heartbreaking to see the pain that people have been left with in the wake of these events.

I'm aware that I'm sharing news that, for me, brings so much joy, and similarly to how I am aware that our news could be painful to those experiencing fertility struggles, there's a big part of me that feels that it's almost insensitive or distasteful to express such pure happiness at a time when I know so many people I love are feeling indescribable pain. It certainly feels more than a little self-indulgent to be posting something so joyful as news of a pregnancy. However, I've been so heartened to see how our little bit of good news has been a small but much needed and welcome bit of relief for some from what has been such a tough start to the year. I just wanted to acknowledge the conflict – I’m holding all of my friends and family in my thoughts while they go through these unspeakably difficult things, while also trying to allow myself to feel the full extent of the joy that our news brings me.

If you’ve reached this point, kudos to you! I apologise if it’s rambling, repetitive, self-indulgent or unnecessary to have written this, but these thoughts have been bouncing around my head for weeks, and I felt that I just needed to put them out there.